Monday, January 7, 2013

The Lies we tell ourselves

I spend a lot of time telling myself things... Things I want to do, things I don't want to do anymore, things I will no longer accept in my life. Problem is, they're all lies. If I want to write a book, why aren't I writing one? If I want to quit smoking, why do I think about buying a pack whenever I'm in the corner store? If I no longer want to obsess about something, why am I still living in Obsession City? Is it just me?

I'm always trying to pinpoint that one thing that will make my choices easier to, well, choose. And then I choose the thing I don't want to choose anymore and beat myself up about it. I live in a constant sea of self-loathing, and guess what? I hate it!

G tells me I'm wonderful, gorgeous, a fantastic mother, and yet I feel like a fraud all the time. I absolutely hate that he doesn't have a job yet and am frustrated that he's trying to start a business that doesn't seem likely to make any damn money anytime soon and he thinks I'm so supportive of his "dream".

What about my dream? Why can't I be the one working from home and trying to make money that's not coming in? Because I'd feel guilty doing it, that's why! I am enraged at his total lack of guilt. Of course, if he felt guilty I'd reassure him and make him feel better but nothing seems to make me feel better.

Even ranting to the universe on my blog doesn't help because I can't even say /rant over/, like so many people do - my rant has only just begun!

How do other people process these types of feelings without sitting down in the muck and just losing it? I feel on the verge of losing it all the time. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

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