The Lies we tell ourselves

I spend a lot of time telling myself things... Things I want to do, things I don't want to do anymore, things I will no longer accept in my life. Problem is, they're all lies. If I want to write a book, why aren't I writing one? If I want to quit smoking, why do I think about buying a pack whenever I'm in the corner store? If I no longer want to obsess about something, why am I still living in Obsession City? Is it just me?

I'm always trying to pinpoint that one thing that will make my choices easier to, well, choose. And then I choose the thing I don't want to choose anymore and beat myself up about it. I live in a constant sea of self-loathing, and guess what? I hate it!

G tells me I'm wonderful, gorgeous, a fantastic mother, and yet I feel like a fraud all the time. I absolutely hate that he doesn't have a job yet and am frustrated that he's trying to start a business that doesn't seem likely to make any damn money anytime soon and he thinks I'm so supportive of his "dream".

What about my dream? Why can't I be the one working from home and trying to make money that's not coming in? Because I'd feel guilty doing it, that's why! I am enraged at his total lack of guilt. Of course, if he felt guilty I'd reassure him and make him feel better but nothing seems to make me feel better.

Even ranting to the universe on my blog doesn't help because I can't even say /rant over/, like so many people do - my rant has only just begun!

How do other people process these types of feelings without sitting down in the muck and just losing it? I feel on the verge of losing it all the time. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Jan 2

Still sick today but we are starting to feel a little better. There were a couple of actual meals today instead of just random grazing.

My hair's up in a simple ponytail today. Keeping it up is supposed to help protect your hair to let it grow longer, but right now mine's so short I can't do too much with it for a while.

Jan 1

We're sick today - it's the flu. So today has been a lot of couch sitting and movie watching, with plenty of chicken soup.

I put my hair up in this simple french braid to keep the heat off my neck. On the long hair forum I read there's always people challenging themselves to wear their hair up for 30 days or even longer (years!) so I'd like to give it a try.

Here's day 1 - and for fun I played around with Instagram as well.

Welcome to 2011!

Photo by geishaboy500
Let's all raise our glasses to this new year being better than the old one!

2010

2010 put a lot of strain on my life, in several areas. Mostly this was my own fault and not because I didn't know better. A lot of people I've talked to feel the same way I do about 2010 but seem to think the year was out to get them in some way. I'm pretty sure I invited all the grief I received through my own actions.

There were months of lax budgeting and rampant spending that increased our debt load and months of lax dieting and rampant eating that increased our belly loads. (0_o)

But it's abundantly clear that we can't continue on in the way we've been heading. It's time to turn things around and start fighting the current to head back to higher ground.

2011

So now we're going to try some new things...I've heard good things about YNAB and we've dcecided to give it a shot. We're going to have to force ourselves to track our spending a little better until it becomes a habit, but I think we can do it.

Also, we're going to start meal planning again. Not only will that be better for our waistlines, but it will also save us money if we're not eating out all the time.

I have loads of food bloggers in my Google reader that have tasty, low-cost recipes. I need to start revisiting some of those bookmarks and finding the keepers for my family. I think I want to set up a household notebook that will hold all our favorite recipes as well as keep us on track for all those "once in a while" housekeeping tasks and little things that need to be remembered -- like what size bulb the front porch fixture needs.

So those are my main objectives for 2011: 1) Start using YNAB, 2) Cook at home more, and 3) Make a household notebook. These are the main things I'm going to be working on and getting accomplished this year.

What are your plans for 2011?

Beginnings

Currently the scale is saying 250.4 - entirely too much! I do not like this number and it must come down. The last few weeks the walks have been cancelled due to weather, and we've only averaged 1 walk a week instead of the 3 we're shooting for. Of course, next week is my vacation, so 1 walk may be all I get in - unless I hit the gym at the hotel. And while I might want to do that, it's not very likely. *sigh*

I've been trying to up my water intake, decrease my soda intake, and make healthier choices. Not really a solid plan, more of a gentle nudge. And that may have to be enough for this week. Solid plans can start after we're back home and cooking for ourselves again. This week I did have a win one day when I only drank 12 oz. soda instead of my usual 40-60. Yes, I'm a Coke fiend.

July 7, 2010

Today is my anniversary and a bit more than halfway through the year. Lately I've been thinking about things that are going on in my life, what I'm happy with, and what I'm not happy with - and I've decided I'm tired of being fat and out of shape.

Next year I'll have been married 10 years, it'll be my 20th high school reunion, and there's so many things I want to do before that. I want to be thin and fit again - re-discover the svelte-ness I took for granted 2 decades ago. Also, I want to finish a triathlon... my mother-in-law did the Danskin Tri this year, and some friends of mine have been encouraging me to do it as well.

I have been walking with a friend 3 times a week for a while now. We have a 2 mile loop through our neighborhood that takes us about 40 minutes, but I really need to step up my game.

I'm off today, due to a family funeral - we just got back into town and have one more day off before back to work, so today will be my planning and prep day. There needs to be a grocery run today as well as laundry and cleaning, and tonight, a relaxing dinner out with my gorgeous hubby. Then tomorrow, back to the grind.

Food Revolution

If you haven't had a chance to see Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution yet, please go to Hulu.com and watch it (you can also find it at abc.com, but it starts playing video immediately, so I didn't want to link it). This show is truly showing what the major problems are with the food system in America and offers a glimmer of hope for the future of one American town.

For the last few years, I've been trying to bring more real foods to my family, cutting out the processed junk and preservatives and I've seen the pizza for breakfast in the public school system. Every day when I look at the choices my daughter has for lunch (usually one healthy-ish and one not so much), I realize she's more likely to pick the worst one if given the choice. So I pack her lunch most days and try to include fruit, veggies, and real food, not chemicals.

Some days I succeed and some days I resolve to do better, as I'm sure we all do sometimes. But just seeing the resistence of the people Jamie is meeting while trying to help them gives me chills. Because I know that I could be just like them. It's easy to justify pulling the frozen nuggets out when there isn't enough time to cook something from scratch. But I also know that I'll be paying the price with my weight, my health, and ultimately my life.

With classes like Home Economics being phased out of schools due to funding, many people graduate and go out on their own without the knowledge of how to prepare a healthy meal or shop for a week's worth of groceries without hitting the freezer aisles. People don't know how to cook a pot of rice or beans, some of the healthiest, lowest-fat foods there is, or even know what all the things in the produce section are.

While I don't know much about Jamie Oliver and what he stands for, I do appreciate this show spotlighting some of the very issues I'm concerned about and I hope the show will open a few eyes to the health concerns that are sweeping our nation.